How our anger becomes a burden

The practice of forgiveness is often difficult because some of us may be reluctant to give up particular grievances. For this reason, we must be strongly motivated to persist in understanding our issues and our efforts to forgive.

Our determination to overcome our resentments is strengthened as we recognize how much our anger significantly undermines our humanity. Anger is not the friend and aid that many claim it to be. Instead, it is essentially a burden. Our clutter of resentment can keep us in a dysfunctional mood. Blaming others can blind us to our opportunities for peace and harmony. The time we spend nursing our emotional wounds reduces our possibilities for engaging in more constructive projects. Even the grievances that we believe are well-justified can undermine our humanity and alienate us from the higher life. Eventually, we will realize that the burden of sustaining these grievances interferes with the growth of our humanity and spirit.

Most of our anger may be unrecognized

Our anger can be a far more significant problem than we initially believe it to be. Most of our hostility manifests in moderate ways we fail to acknowledge as anger based. The reason for this is that our concept of anger often involves an image of people who are agitated, aggressive, and defiant. But more often, anger manifests in outwardly quiet and calm behavior. Inwardly, however, the same people usually tend to be distrustful, cynical, and reluctant to cooperate with others.

Dark emotions are often cleverly normalized and become socially acceptable in their new disguises. Depressed people, for instance, are rarely sad because they are busy being pessimistic or apathetic. Anxious people may not appear nervous but are often filled with doubt and hesitant to act. Likewise, angry people rarely shout their objections. Instead, angry people are busy being fussy and critical about views that differ from their own.

We need to recognize the bulk of our anger is bound up in these less conspicuous forms of behavior. These minor manifestations of our anger are important because these are the sites where we can safely work out the reforms essential to forgiveness. In other words, the real battleground where we can defeat our excessive anger lies in modifying traits such as our judgmentalism, impatience, and irritability.

We need to understand that our anger becomes destructive through our capacity to be distrustful, withdrawn, excessively critical, and alienated. If we work to reduce these tendencies, we are also reducing how anger can present itself in our lives.

A direct assault on our grievances is likely to fail

Trying to nullify our chronic grievances will probably provoke more anger than it will reduce its intensity. Our hostile parts are already accomplished at resisting their elimination. We can expect an intense backlash if we attempt to shut them down with tepid offers of forgiveness.

Instead, we can make progress by working in the less contaminated areas of our belief system, such as our defensiveness, rigidity, and tendency to fix the blame instead of the problem. These are the habits that sustain our significant grievances. Anything we can do to weaken their force will begin the work of forgiveness safely and effectively.

The early work performed on our major grievances is usually in the mental, not emotional, areas. This means we first seek to explore new understanding and perspectives about the issues that have generated so much resentment in us. These insights can provide a safe foundation for moderating negative judgments and beliefs. For instance, we might recognize our unwillingness to accept responsibility or failure to defend ourselves was a significant factor in the genesis of much of our distress.

Anger does not make us strong—just a bully

Anger makes us intimidating and rude. This approach may bully some people into submission, but this is a false victory that will provoke disgust and resistance in others. If we want people to respect and cooperate with us, we must stop attacking them and their beliefs and habits.

We can usually assert our rights and our authority without making enemies of everyone. We can try being creative with more skillful persuasion methods and appealing to people’s sensibilities. When we concentrate on shared problems, needs, and rewards, we can usually find common ground with those who differ. This focus is where we can agree on plans and methods that promote agreement and cooperation despite our other differences.