Our Blind Spots

Blind spots are those gaps in our awareness, sensitivity, and concerns that allow us to think and act in ways that sabotage our welfare and annoy others. We may even be aware that we are upsetting some peope but assume no responsibility because we see nothing wrong with our actions. We believe the problem is the foolish expectations of others. 

The origin of our blind spots arises from the deadly fact that we often fail to be aware of what we do not know but should know. This gap in our knowledge and awareness makes them challenging to detect and often more difficult to correct—even after we are aware of them. It is far too easy to assume that what we don’t know or can’t do is unimportant or unnecessary. 

A common blind spot is seen in the person who seems almost immune to criticism or insults. It is not that they lack a conscience. Instead, they are comfortable with a wide range of loud voices, crude language, and intrusive gestures. They have what is called “thick skin” so that very little bothers them. Unfortunately, these types also tend to appear insensitive or even rude to others for the same reason. If they notice they are bothering others, they assume it is because such people are too sensitive, bordering on neurotic. 

Blind spots are frequent in the area of manners and social customs. These can be a landmine for many people. However, the more subtle and less recognized blind spots occur in our understanding and values. For instance, many have little knowledge or appreciation of our cultural heritage, spiritual life, or the influence of great archetypal ideas as recorded by influential scholars and religious leaders. Others have a gap in their values respecting our national heritage or the sanctity of life. Some people have no interest in living for something greater than their well-being. They demonstrate all the problems that result from advanced self-absorption.

This knowledge is considered irrelevant by many who blandly assume nothing important happened before their birth and nothing much since. Therefore, they have no context for understanding current issues and social problems. Because of this defect, they often profess amazingly naïve views and ideologies.  

Why do we deny our blind spots? 

Large groups of people are mystified about why they have annoyed people. The fundamental cause of this irritation is often their assumption that everyone has the same values, interests, and preferences they have—or should have. The convenient but false belief is that others should duplicate our likes and dislikes. Therefore, what we easily tolerate will also be accepted by everyone else. What we find unbearable will offend everyone.

Unfortunately, these assumptions are fatally flawed. Many conflicts arise because of these misunderstandings, and we will tend to be poorly motivated to correct this ignorance. More love and kindness poured on these fundamental misunderstandings will soothe but not solve the primary problem. Wisdom is the key to these odd but very solvable issues. 

This additional understanding can begin by deepening our capacity to grasp how other people might think differently from us. They may have diverse perspectives, interests, and priorities. Their focus of concern can be quite unlike ours. 

For instance, the top priority for some is to remain peaceful and comfortable. Others insist that being organized, correct, and in control of ourself is most important. Still others want to keep situations and people in an intellectual limbo so they can debate nebulous opinions forever, never resolve issues, or be held responsible for specific standards or goals. 

Of course, just because someone objects to what we might believe, say, or do does not mean their ideas should be indulged. Some individuals are overly sensitive and make ridiculous demands. But at least we need to consider the possibility that we have a blind spot or two before resorting to justifying everything we do. It is amazing how many never consider the possibility they might be wrong or just profoundly ignorant in a few areas. They are the ones who remain puzzled about why life is so difficult and relationships so stressful.

Recognizing our blind spots  

Significant differences exist between those who cling to their usual feelings and habits and those who continually aspire to better understanding and behaviors. The first will prioritize defending their current practices and ignoring their weaknesses. They will go on to perfect their reasons for doing so, including how they can be sure those who disapprove of them are merely neurotic, ignorant, or bigoted. 

The second group that seeks self-improvement is more comfortable with the concept that they need to change in many ways. They can accept the need to grow, find new lessons and meaning in old experiences, and seek fresh insights into their personality and lifestyle. They will learn from the example of those more graceful and sensitive.

Eventually, pragmatism and conscience will call all reasonable people to attend to their self-doubts and patterns of distress and failure. How well we recognize our need for improvements will determine how much we learn from our experiences. Those who choose to strengthen their ability to assert themselves and defend their beliefs will be able to ignore what could be embarrassing. But those who remain sensitive, curious, and accountable will add to their knowledge and skills instead of defending the status quo. Awareness of our need to grow, instead of always protecting our current mindset, is essential to our ability to make the most of our experiences.    

A shortlist of common and troublesome blind spots

Blind spots can interfere with our effort to master forgiveness. Here are examples of how we unwittingly preserve our grievances.

• We do not recognize the damage we inflict on our relationships because of our insensitivities, arrogance, demand for entitlement, and other poor habits. When others complain about our rudeness or insensitivity, we easily accuse them of the same and view ourselves as innocent.  
• We often interfere with our progress by failing to recognize how often our apathy and pessimism sabotage our success. Sometimes we give up our efforts too soon. Other times, we never engage good opportunities because of our impatience, petty dislikes, and insensitivity. Overall, we blame outer circumstances when we should be concentrating on improving our poor attitudes and dysfunctional beliefs.
• We have cultivated a protective shell of cynicism and stubbornness that repels people and situations that could have been helpful to us. Too many chips on our shoulders are interfering with our chances of succeeding. While we insist on blaming others for their lack of assistance, we may be the one who is refusing to trust and cooperate with specific people. 
• We have substituted a tepid and sterile intellectual forgiveness for the genuine article. Our heartfelt compassion and understanding were missing from what we offered. We assume that a polite, nice set of words are sufficient. Instead of eradicating the roots of our anger, we have merely pruned a few poisonous leaves. Our unforgiven enemies and grievances still dwell within us, but now they are wrapped in graceful platitudes.  
• We replaced our overt anger with indifference, outlawing any attention to old enemies now embedded in the amber of our hostility. We have forbidden ourselves to remember them except as irrelevant and unimportant. These activities only push our unresolved conflicts into the unconscious, where they continue to simmer and spread a generalized agitation throughout our personality.
• We assume that anger is supposed to expire like a coupon for a free car wash. However, it is dangerous to believe that memories become irrelevant simply because they are old. In real life, our monetary debts do not automatically disappear as they age, nor do old fears, humiliations, or resentments. Our efforts to whitewash mistakes may seem successful, but eventually, the darkness of our deeds begins to reappear, demanding our honest attention. 
• We have confused self-pity for self-forgiveness. The effort to console ourselves can be healthy, but we must not confuse mourning our losses as the equivalent of forgiveness. We need fresh insights, attitudes, and redemptive behavior to qualify for authentic forgiveness.
• We decided that our grievances were just too much, so we gave our enemies and severe hardships to God to forgive. We have declared that this is as much as any wounded human can do. Thus, we leave it to God to fix while retreating into pious contentment. Of course, our suffering can be so overwhelming that we throw ourselves at God’s mercy, but our helplessness is never total. There is more we can do to resolve these old grievances. 
• We assume that our absence of outrage means we have healed our resentments and do not need to be forgiving. Yet, if we have no warmth or compassion for others after our “forgiveness,” we probably are only in a state of hostile indifference, and forgiveness is still needed.
• We assume some people are sub-human and boorish. Their barbarian nature makes them unable to grasp proper ethics or conduct. They will neither understand nor need forgiveness as they cannot appreciate it. But even bad people will treat their dog (a genuine subhuman lifeform) better than this. We need to do at least as well with people who disgust us.
• We assume the devastation or death of our enemies is sufficient punishment for them. These events should absolve us from any need to forgive them. However, our comfort in knowing old enemies have been destroyed suggests that we feel we have been avenged. The wounds of humiliation and scars of suffering may yet linger, awaiting our eventual forgiveness.